Sunday, December 31, 2006

This Next Year is Yours.

Happy Turning of the Time Thingies!

When I was a kid, I used to deliberately lose myself during family camping trips by wandering out at night to the loneliest spot on the grounds, and sit there with my headphones on, staring at the sky. The stars, the moon, the periodic satellite careening by...wondering what was up there, and whether or not they knew about me and my family.

...So much Bigness. I was in awe.
I'd further freak myself out by finding a picnic table and stretch myself on it on my back. After a short while, it seemed I was plastered to the front a glass ship's cockpit. Where we going? No control! WHOOOOOO!

I'm gonna do that again, real soon.


Sunday, December 24, 2006

Merry Jolly!

Happy Holidomes, y'all!
I hope The Season finds you happy and healthy, loving and upbeat, and not all sad, self-pitying and face down in a pool of your own vomit.

I truly do, because Christmas/ this time of year has become one big nasty melee of obese consumerism, and I don't know about you, but as I have run around attempting to find that absolutely perfect gift for each of my loved ones I have noticed the following:

#1-- By GOD, there's a lot of inane shit for the buying (and land-filling) out there;
#2-- People SUCK. Not all of 'em, mind you... just a great many.

But I'm in the Spirit! And so are the hobos. Here we have a real tree which, as I understand, a couple homeless guys put up every year and festoon with found beer and soda cans.

I was told they do it every year by a dude who works at my neighborhood liquor place. I'll take his word for it, as I've only lived here in Logan Square for a year or so, but never noticed if it was up last year. I LIKE IT!

When I took these pictures on my lil' cell phone, the dudes were just putting finishing touches on their handiwork. I promised myself that when I was on my way back from the liquor store I'd give them each $5 to take a picture of them with their tree.

They were nowhere around when I passed back by. Like, within 3 minutes they had vaporized, and only this lonely holiday hobo relic was testament of their existence. POOF! Magic homeless guys!

Be well and keep warm, magic hobos... and may you come across large, abandoned bank-notes and bottles of Christian Brothers for evermore. PEACE!

Sunday, December 17, 2006

A Scanner Dorkly

It's so nice to have our scanner up, connected and working again.
This means you can dig up crazy old pictures of yourself and equally insane loved ones, and make public the silly shit you did which made you pee yourself at the time you did it, and still does, you cracked old fart, you...

Observe the colorful (meaning shades of puke circa 1972) car-salesman jacket! The overly-strong prescription glasses!
The hat!
Lordy, I have no idea what the snot-green goblet and the mustard sitting on the counter have to do with anything, but
do I have the Pumpkin for YOU!

This would be Sharon, my younger sister. You can tell she's really loving the Pumpkin, all hunched over and scarfy and protective and retardedly Franken-fool about it.

Good times. Goooood times, my friends.


This is "Steve", a wicker mannequin what fer them seamstress-people would use that I bought for five dollah at a neighbor's yard sale last summer. FIVE DOLLAH! Even if one has no use for it whatsoever-- well, for fuck's sake, SUCH A DEAL!

Yeah, "Steve". I name LOTS of inanimate objects. Don't ask me why. It's just what I do.

And if you've ever seen the film, "Multiplicity" OR clicked on the link embedded in my entry title, you'd understand just WHAT "Steve" means.


Here we have our buddy all decked out in Holiday Glory. BLIIINNNGG!
Being somewhat of a poor street urchin my little ol' self, it was decided between myself and my darling Yeti while Christmas shopping to-- how do I say it?--
Fuck getting a tree, let's get some lights and decorate Steve. Capital Idea! Save dough! Scare the neighborhood! ROCK!

I suppose the comic element here is that our lovely Trustproof Gal, Laura, anticpated my actually, like, HAVING a tree, and therefore came over to mine homestead with boxes of precious, jolly and antique baubles for something a bit more...oh, tree-like.

OOPS! But does that deter the determined? HEEELLL, NO!

You know, when I purchased the soothing blue lights (i dig blue; very soothing and wintery), I hadn't realized just what LED lights (they burn cool! no hotness!) would look like on anything but a cop car.
Or that little light that comes with fancy cigarette lighters.

...Holy shit, it's like a Disco Faggy Cop entered the room. AWWWWESOME!

So we decked Steve's halls in and out, and Laura-- ever the artiste!-- put a pair of festive nipple rings on him!

Well, I love him. Darren loves him, and by all that is freaky and righteous, all who see will come and adore. Or else.

And he's not even really "done" yet. I've still oodles of shit to put on him, and I'm working on that bubble-light penis Laura so badly wanted to make a reality. Girlfriend! Working ON it!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Welles Park

Whoo, it's so frosty! It's a small photo, But believe me, it's beauteous, within and out.

I'm sure Cletus knows the place to which I'm referring. (don'tcha? you live nearby)

Anyways... This is a gazebo which was put in during rennovation within the last 5 years. The park is glorious.

I don't know why, but it's got me the Holiday Ghosties on the Brain.

I have family
Many long since gone
Sometimes when I'm sleeping
Some sing a song
Even the pets we used to keep
Although I no longer live there,
I hear them creep
Little dogs and cats crawl and
Sleep at my feet
in the bed in
warm bedding
I hear their animal murmurs
and their drooling, and their purrs
And then
and another
comes to stroke my forehead
Thinking I have fever
One hand
And then another (i know it is)
It's almost a fight, because
I see no one, but
You know
It's Holiday, and
Who wants to be unnoticed?
I am so lucky
I have two spirits fighting over me.

Monday, November 27, 2006

Find The Whaaaaa?

...So my boyfriend's parents came up from Okaleehoma for Thanksgiving, and all was nice, well-fed, good companiness and the lot. We had much good times. However, being hosts to them not from the Big, Windy City, we did find ourselves out on Michigan Avenue on Saturday.

A Holy Hell-hole of Holiday Shopping FRUCK, is what it was.

My hat is off to YOU, whoever you might be, who can stand the lemming-shuffle of throngs and throngs of consumer retards who willingly offer up their souls and personal comfort in pursuit of shoe bargains and perhaps a free sample of "L'Eau D'Executif en Hummer Gasoline Guzzler Ecceleration!".


Never mind my hippie, "just get what you need and not more" frame of mind, mind THIS:

... Can you see the "Find the Joy" stencil on the display window? Yes? OK.
Do they look like they're finding anything? Shit, no. They're too Valled up to look at anything but Pluto.

Your Armani Disco Amazingness has me thinking that when you shop here.... it is proof you have leedle penis.

This cat here was shaking his groove so bad, I felt bad I only had 5 dollars to give. He works for The Salvation Army.
No, really! Muther was Chicken-dancing, and humming, and strutting, and had lights and two fighting Santas on his hat...
...even if I WAS sheisted, he was hands-down the most genuine thing I'd seen all day.

Sunday, November 26, 2006


Happy Birthday, Sheena! You are surrounded by peoples who loves you to the fullest...

...Even if they* take a fudgey-cake-thing and smear it all over your face.

So that you look like you lost the Peter Criss Lookalike Contest. Again.


You are the beautifullest and heroically silliest, wonderful person I know.

I love you, sister.

* Pictured in background is Christine, older sister to the smearee. Quite proud of her handiwork, she is.
But I helped, so I be a schmuck, too. Go, schmucks!!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

I'm Getting So Bad at Updating Stuff and Stuff...

...Not that I have a real audience or anything, but I'll apologize anyways: Solly!
Aside from keeping me way busy, work has too many stories for me to not feel like I'd be violating HIPPAA regulations if I went into detail about, oh, say the homicidal freak we had to cart from a house of ill repute in East Joliet to a psych ward in a hospital up here in Chicago... or the Russian lady who simply would NOT part from her "Jell-o and the milks" when we came to take her for her daily dialysis appointment... or the little ol' black lady we picked up who-- bless her surly cuteness!-- could not be anything more than an escapee from The Muppet Show.

So I won't go into detail. But LOOK AT MY PAN-SEARED ASS!!!

WhoooHoooo, doggie! See, this is what happens when you fall asleep while using one of them heating pads what fer to relieve yer aching lower back.

So, it DID relieve my aching lower back, but now I've got some sort of weird Star-Trek alien sunburn-butt. Behold!

I can now say that I've actually gone and cooked myself. What the hell?